wednesday night coming with a mix of feelings

i am . so . lost .

oh my god, it is actually so... i don't have the word for it, but this feeling all around me. it's like, there's just something inherently wrong with me. i do not know if this is normal, whatever this might be. and you know, people constantly saying in the media and wherever else, 'don't self-diagnose', 'don't blah blah', whatever, but like. is it such a bad thing? because right now i feel the need to.

i feel like there is something wrong with me. and i know i have anxiety, but besides that, something else is wrong. it's like my heart and my mind are not connected. it's like my interior and my exterior are not connected. 

that just made me sound like i'm a house or some shit.

but like. OH MY GOD. i can't even write it enough to make it make sense. does anything i say ever make sense? not really. but i still try. and i don't want to give up on this post because i am not able to properly put into words what i'm trying to convey for my very nonexistent audience. 

why do i make it a point to say that i don't have an audience on here please ignore me this is actually such a loser move on my part.

anyway.

ok, so, picture me this. i am a positive person. outwardly. people have told me that. people have told me that i look like i have my shit together. i can recall every single time people have made a jab at me about it. someone told me i'm the most optimistic person they know. people keep telling me i'm a kind person with a kind soul. someone told me i look like i have my shit together even if they encountered me at like 8 p.m. and i have been up since 4 a.m. people don't believe me when i struggle with schoolwork, for example, because i continuously have showed them a part of me that i have fought to keep up with tooth and nail, a part of me that can't let her family down with her grades and a part of me that knows she's a very good 'academic weapon'. people have good opinions about me. 

and my own self is happy with that. my heart is happy with that. my heart does not feel like anything else is wrong. my heart does little spikes of happiness whenever i'm around people that tell me positive things about myself. my heart shouts and screams and cries of happiness, and i can feel her pumping me full of smiles that i give people whenever i'm around them. my heart can be sad, but she's happy most of the time. it's like i've never lost that heart i've had since i was 10 and discovered that i'm here to live for friendship, and for love, and for every other animated and unanimated thing that wants to be a part of my life. be it the smallest butterfly or the biggest tree.

and while all of that is going on - my brain is dead. can i call that my brain? i don't know if my brain is the problem, or if it's just my heart split into two and i can't even differentiate between emotional and rational because everything is a jungle of emotions that are waiting to escape.

this sounds fucking stupid. 

but it's the truth, and it's what i feel, and it's like while all of that goes on, there is this another part of me that is just dead. because i am sad without a reason, and i am sad when i have reasons too obviously, and i am just feeling dead inside. i don't see the person people talk about, i'm sometimes mean because i'm overstimulated, i'm... it's complicated, and i don't get it. i haven't cried in months. and i'm still sad, while that outwardly part of me is happy and thriving because i have reasons to be happy and thriving. and i don't currently have reasons to be sad, so why am i? because i'm sad while i do great things, and happiness doesn't last, but my heart feels it constantly, while that other part of me looks upon it and is like 'this is great and all, but it's not making me that happy'. even if it does make me happy.

does someone get this? do you understand?

there is something inherently wrong because these parts of me are so uncoordinated, and i don't even know what they are, and i don't even know how to explain it to make people get it. and i don't even know if i want people to get it. some things are just designed for you and your brain, and if my mentally ill brain (i have no doubt in saying it even if i am not professionally diagnosed because i cannot get a diagnosis) does not want me to be able to explain it, then i'm going to fight against it. i'm a preacher of me standing with my loneliness, but sometimes i need people to understand what's going on inside me.

even if what's going on inside me makes no sense and sounds stupid. it's what makes me, me, unfortunately and i have to try to get it out before it eats me alive and chews me out all jumbled up.