documenting 2025 as a 20-year-old ║ walking around town

hi, hello. i'm here. 

that was supposed to be an ominous statement.

thank you for your attention. there seem to be some people looking here and i'm really happy about that. hope you guys have a good day or night or whatever!

so, if you read my last post (hope you did but if you did not i do not condemn you for not wanting to put up with my senseless rambling like quite literally), you probably saw my crisis over my heart and brain or whatever, right? yeah. that's what is happening right now.

today wasn't the best day, not really. i had a lot to study, and my study date including me and two other people was cancelled. not getting into details, but it made me feel really unmotivated. i basically waited for more than two hours because i couldn't sleep anymore and my head was killing me and i stayed up for people to wake up and then go with them, and turns out that didn't happen anymore. and then i decided to go alone. which is not really a surprising thing on my part, i always enjoyed being by myself and doing things alone. 

the problem came this past year when my anxiety basically skyrocketed and i was left very, very anxious to leave the house alone. there's a lot of bad news coming out of the media right now, not optimal to be in the same space as... uh... men! and there was also the fact that i quite literally did not like how everything looked on my body, so that was adding to my whole anxiety. i spent the whole way going the usual route (to go to the library) in a sea of anxiety, because my brain couldn't comprehend that it was not that serious. nothing was that serious, but my brain told me it was and that all sorts of people were looking my way when they really just passed on with their days. 

your reminder that your anxiety is lying to you.

i went to the library, and i wouldn't say it was a bad,,, experience! i just. the last time i went there was with a classmate, and to be honest, the fact that he went that time with me had put me at peace, it made me feel a little better because none of us knew what we were doing with our lives. and right now, going alone really made my chest explode with this crippling anxiety. i couldn't really concentrate, but i did try.

read emerson's 'nature' and 'self-reliance' and made notes on them (my pen gave up on me and i ended up taking notes on my laptop).

later connected with nature ahahaha i'm such an academic weapon guys pls clap for me !!!!!

and then i left like 2 hours later because i got really anxious. and then decided to get a coffee (like it was not gonna amplify my anxiety) and a croissant, and i did just that. went to my favourite cafe, where i saw my favourite baristas (dilfs), and then realised i felt lonely because usually i go there with a friend and it became, like, our thing to be there and study together. and when we don't have to study, we go there sometimes and get coffee and talk and get to know more things about each other. or even just silently watch things around because the atmosphere is really cosy and the music is so good and it smells like cinnamon and i've seen we're just comfortable being silent with each other. but being alone there and today of all days too wasn't really good on my whole mood. so i went to pay after like 20 minutes in which i texted someone - and this is where i now realise that while i was still sad about being ditched this morning, oh my gods. 

i was not sad, per se. i mean, i was, but like, i FORGOT about it but at the same time i didn't.

see, this is what i mean, i don't know how to explain myself and i can't even try because i don't understand it myself which sucks, but now i realise that me as a whole self was now split into two - one part was still sad and cried, and the other was not even thinking about that because it forgot!

anyway, that was that. and then i was like, ok i'm going to a bookstore. and then i went on my merry way, and decided that i am unmotivated to go to the bookstore. and then my ass decided 'hey, let's go home. on foot.' and for reference, i gotta take 2 buses to go home and it takes maybe an hour. so you can imagine the way home on foot.

but on my merry walk, i rediscovered (even with my crippling anxiety that was eating me up alive at the moment) how much i actually enjoy my presence. even when i'm sad (or not really???), and even when i'm not in my best moods. and i think that's the most important thing, you know? and i think i forgot it for a bit, and even if it wasn't the best day i've had, at least i did have this.

so! 

moral of the story for this post?

take a walk around town, even if you do not feel like it. take a walk by yourself, and look at the sun, and look at the people, and go and buy yourself a really sweet treat because you deserve it. and then continue your walk, maybe listen to your favourite music, and try to sort out your thoughts. or don't if it makes you anxious, but just do it. just go on that walk, because i swear, they do make you feel better. 

they might not magically cure whatever you have going on, but they can lift up those spirits a little. they can put on a little smile on everyone's beautiful face, and i think that's the best we can see. people going on walks and smiling a little because of it. 

i think it's beautiful to even think about that.