documenting 2025 as a 20-year-old ║ trying (and failing) to be productive

hi, it's me again, back here for my third post. it's night and somehow i end up writing here at the same hour?? how's that even possible, i'm not planning it. i find it very funny, to be honest.

i want to make this like a 'series' - like, you know the videos on youtube that go like this? i'm trying to do that but with writing, because once again, i do not have the guts to even think about starting a youtube channel (peek at me trying to forget my horrible, horrible attempt at trying to be like the other vloggers when i was like eight and it backfired and it still haunts me... story for another time!). 

these days, i've been failing extremely bad to be productive in terms of university. i think i can name myself quite the gifted child when i was little, and i'm keeping the title quite well, because my grades are not slipping that badly, but beyond that - it's very hard to keep that appearance. i don't think a lot of people actively hear the ones with good grades out, and maybe this is just my experience, but it's stressing me out having to keep up my grades and right now, i feel like i'm slipping terribly. i've been skipping a lot these past two weeks, and i find it hard to get the motivation in me to actually go to my classes, and i'm going to be honest, i don't really know why i feel like this??? my exams are in the summer, but i already feel very, very fucking stressed because just seeing the amount of work i have to do right now kicks me in the ass, so i cannot imagine THEN. 

oh, and i don't know if anybody else gets this, but i fucking do, and it's annoying. i have good grades, okay, amazing even for some, but goodness gracious, people act like the ones with good grades can't complain because they... apparently know shit already? they're like 'oh, no you cannot talk, you always say that but end up getting a ten'. like yeah, babe, but i do feel like i did shit, i AM gonna complain. this happened to me when i first had all the exams for the first semester, and i was like, ok i am going to terribly fail this one class because 1. i didn't understand shit when i was studying the material and 2. i feel like i did shit in the exam, like actual shit. i got out of there like laughing because i didn't want to cry my eyes out and then spent my next weeks about to cry because i was about to fail and NEEDED the validation. turns out, i actually had a 10 in the exam which i think it is STILL not possible, and if i didn't have anxiety, i would have texted my teacher like 'are you actually fucking sure that's my grade because that's not possible!!!'. and people around me were like joking about it and shit, it's like... i'm sorry i ever thought i could have done badly, god forbid a girl is insecure about her knowledge on a subject she actually believes she doesn't know that well. 

(i do have to say 2 people told me i should have way more confidence in my abilities, though, so i gotta give it to them. maybe it was just my terrible... self-esteem? is that the word?)

but anyway, i think i got a bit worked up with that. i didn't want to make that the point of this post, it's just... i'm trying to get out of this unproductive hole i have fallen through. i find it pretty hard, to be honest, and i feel bad about it because it's like, i don't even understand why i don't want to go to classes. i get it, i'm burnt out, happens to the best of us, but like - i LOVE my university, i love my major, i love my minor, i love having classes with my new friends, and i love having classes where i actually learn things and where i actually enjoy shit, and in a way, i feel really ashamed that i don't want to go. 

the past week, there came an american professor to our university, and he was really fucking awesome, and after the last class we had with him, me and a friend were like walking around and i was like 'man, if i only had classes with him, i'd come there just for pleasure' but the thing is, my other classes are not even bad. 

help a girl out and tell her why she feels like this because i'm actually spiraling down thinking about it.

but hey, i'm trying to take it step by step - so far, i need to attend my classes without complaining. for example, i did not wanna go today, BUT i went (that's, like, the bare minimum from me, i know), and i had a fucking amazing day!!!! like this is what i'm talking about. i don't want to go but i do not have a reason NOT to go, because everything's going smooth so far. and has been going smooth since the first semester. and with no doubt, i think it will still go smooth in the future until my first year here is over.

but still... i just - i'm struggling with myself to the point it interferes with me going to my courses (and with me doing my work because tell me why i didn't go to my spanish class on monday because i had a homework that was too long and why i didn't read anything for tomorrow's course for which i have one entire novel and two shorter books hahahaha so fun). 

i think i didn't make any sense by talking about this, but hey, good way to pour some things out of my mind, right? i will try to do better and try to get myself out of this hole little by little. so far, i'll try to do so by reading, so maybe i'll make a series on actually what books i've read or i'm reading at the moment. and, the next step... i think i'll try to watch more things in the language i'm learning in university right now, so that the whole thing flows easier in my mind because it's kinda kicking my ass when it comes to me talking (had one of my professors tell me today to describe a film i've seen and i was struggling so hard and ended up just saying the plot was complicated). 

welp!

i don't think anybody (again, if there's anyone who reads this) actually understood anything from what i've talked here about, but in my mind things kind of made sense so... um... i cannot help it more! i'll try to go to all my classes tomorrow and NOT cry because i didn't do shit for my literature course, and i think i'm going to come back and talk again way too much for my own good about stuff that makes sense only in my mind (but hopefully there's only one person in this world who gets to see this post and relate).

who would i be if i didn't do that?

p.s. if you see this, this is your sign to go to your classes!!!! if you don't, i'll appear in your bedroom at night and beat your ass up!!!!